My life is erratically different than the life of my peers who work in local media. Jasmine Brooks, the morning anchor on WBRE, just got engaged. Amanda, from 98.5 KRZ, announced recently that she’s expecting her first child. I’m still spending my weekends at Kildare’s and living in my parents’ basement. And I make fun of drag queens.
Let me explain that last one. I was asked to make fun of drag queens. And, of course, I said yes. Sorry, Mom and Dad.
It was for the Post-Pride Pig Roast of Estella Sweet, the areas most notorious female impersonator. Estella, who manages Heat Nightclub in Wilkes-Barre, was throwing herself a roast to end the festivities — all in good fun — of NEPA PrideFest. I was one of the people asked to burn her so badly that it hurts.
It wasn’t until I saw the flyer the a day or so before the roast that I realized I was the only person taking part in the charade who wasn’t a drag queen.
“What the hell did I sign up for?” I asked myself.
When I was hesitantly writing my material, I told my sister, Jenelle, that I wasn’t planning on being mean. “They’re drag queens,” I said. “I can’t be mean to a drag queen. That’ll be like a hate crime or something.”
“Drag queens can be nasty,” Jenelle said. “They’re going to rip you apart. You better be prepared to rip them apart back.”
I knew that if I was about to get my asshole ripped by a bunch of men wearing bean-bag titties and duct tape on their penises, I’d have to give it to them raw. No protection. No Vaseline. No limits.
So I went at them first — and hard. I don’t remember everything about that night, because I was drinking to make myself feel less awkward for being the only guy there whose penis wasn’t tucked between his legs. What I do remember, is that I was just as nasty as any queen that night.
Here are my top 10 jokes from the roast of Estella Sweet. Feel free to use them on someone.
1. You look beautiful, Estella. Oh, who am I kidding. We all know you look like Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell’s dumpster baby.
2. Let’s be honest. The only way you’ll ever have a hot, smoking body is if you were being cremated.
3. Naomi Dettmore is here tonight. Naomi, when you’re on stage, standing tall and beautiful, you remind me of Rihanna. When you perform, you remind me why Chris Brown beat the shit out of Rihanna.
4. Naomi Dettmore, Miss PrideFest 2014, is dating Nevaeh DeDa, Miss PrideFest 2015. What do you call two drag queens who share one bed? Out of options.
5. Ella Fine, your face is so bloated. You look like a dead body that just got dredged out of the Susquehanna River.
6. I’m not saying you’re stupid, but I do happen to know what you got on your SATs — ketchup!
7. Estella is so lazy that she only threw this roast for herself so she could have another place to sit.
8. Estella Sweet is such a slut, she even swallows semen when Sharron Ann Husbands sucks a dick.
9. When you’re born with a small penis, you have two options in life: You can either learn to deal with it or you can become a female impersonator.
10. In all seriousness, Estella, you’re one of the most talented people in the world. You’re destined for greatness — and diabetes. Actually, tonight isn’t only a celebration of Estella, it’s also a goodbye party for her foot.
Estella and the other female impersonators took the jokes with a grain of salt that was probably laced with cocaine and a scent of regret. None of the drag queens came at me too hard, though. They must all be bottoms.
Watching the female impersonators taught me something: To laugh at yourself is to love yourself. If you can’t love yourself, who else is going to do it for you?
