Now that I know Bernie Sanders owns more than one pair of underwear, I can sleep at night. The same is unlikely to be said for my parents when they find out I might dress as Caitlyn Jenner for Weekender’s Halloween Bash/costume party, where the man and model of the year will be named, being held at 7 p.m. on Friday, Oct. 23 inside The Woodlands.
Sorry, Mom and Dad, but if that’s the costume I choose, you can call me Caitlyn – just for the costume party.
I can’t remember exactly how I got the idea to dress as Kim Kardashian’s trans stepfather, but I think it was when I was having Moscato for breakfast one morning. Or it might be because I’m just a dick. Either way, I got the idea, and I thought it was epic, because while a bunch of people will probably be Caitlyn for Halloween, they probably won’t do what I plan on doing: dress up as Bruce Jenner from the 1976 Olympics and then transition into my Caitlyn costume by the end of the night.
I went to Spirit Halloween in Dickson City recently, with contenders for the man and model of the year, to try on costumes for the upcoming party, and make sure my costume would look as epic as the idea sounded in my head.
Ashlyn Hurrey, from Jessup, and Michael Milani, from Scranton, came along. They’re both determined to be crowned model and man of the year and have the best costume in the room when they’re potentially crowned.
Ashlyn tried on a pirate costume that was sexy without being too revealing, but then found a zombie school-girl outfit that brought “The Walking Dead” fan out in her. “Girls don’t have to look like sluts to be sexy on Halloween,” Ashlyn said.
Meanwhile, Michael found himself torn between a Greek god costume and a cop. “I’ll pick whatever makes my biceps look bigger,” Michael said. “Halloween is the last day of the year to care about being swole before giving up on life for the winter.”
While they were worried about bringing sexy back, I was worried about fitting Caitlyn Jenner’s corset around my back. The damn thing barely fit. I knew I should have stayed a vegan when I went on that 22-day vegan challenge this spring. Luckily Spirit Halloween has a dope selection, so I was able to try on other options, such as several different styles of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costumes.
One of my favorite costumes was the poop emoji. It’s funny, not so offensive that some redneck with a truck with beer muscles will want to punch you in the face over it, and it takes barely any preparation.
Come to think of it, I’m leaning toward the pile of crap. Sorry, Caitlyn. But then again, I did feel like a champion in the Bruce Jenner circa ‘76 Olympics costume. Who knows, maybe I’ll be Bruce and transition into a pile of poo by the end of the night.
That’s the good thing about Halloween parties; you can be whatever the hell you want and get away with it!
